Thursday, December 15, 2016
LCBO gift giving guide: booze edition
Well, it's Xmas, and though I should be reviewing Green's Theorem right now really I can't be arsed. A few days ago I splurged some of my Trump victory winnings on some booze, and here's some reviews for your gift-drinking pleasure:
Cabot Trail maple cream: it's not Sortilege, but I'd have to travel all the way out to the fucking bourgeois suburbs to buy that apparently, so I was happy when I found this other Canadian maple cream liqueur at my local proletarian steelworker neighbourhood LCBO.
It's a nice sweet cream liqueur, like Irish cream except with the taste of maple syrup instead of chocolate. It's a pleasant drink that your grandma will love.
However, while I haven't experimented sufficiently with Cabot Trail, I can tell you that Sortilege will give you a bloody vicious multiday hangover that'll make you feel like a transport truck broke itself open on your skull and you now have a half dozen people from the Ministry of Agriculture, Food and Rural Affairs stomping all over your brain euthanizing injured cattle.
So I'd recommend Cabot Trail maple cream as an Xmas gift for that granny of yours who you don't really like.
Fireball Cinnamon Whiskey: I find it really nice. It's a whiskey that doesn't taste like one: that taste is covered up by the guilty pleasure of that cinnamon candy flavour you remember from childhood when cinnamon sticks were all posh and once-in-a-lifetime and you didn't grow up with fucking petit-bourgeois suburban helicopter parents who made you eat fucking kale and ricecakes and shit for dessert and act like you actually enjoyed it. No, your dad was a crane driver, potato was your fucking vegetable, and your mum baked cookies because she wasn't a useless bitch like the girls of today who are so shit at cooking that they have to buy fucking $6 prepared salads at fucking Sobeys, because we were real men back then, not like today where the only real men left are at the gay pride parade.
Fireball's apparently got a reputation as a drink for teenage girls who are already too old for Vodka Mudslides, but not yet old enough for meth and prostitution. So I'd recommend Fireball Cinnamon Whiskey as an Xmas gift for that slutty niece of yours whose morals are constantly in question.
Brennevin aqvavit: This was an expensive thing, something like $35 for a small bottle. It's from Iceland, so I thought it'd be a good booze for hand-to-hand combat atop a giant volcano: instead it's really little more than a vodka with caraway flavour. Meh. I guess I'll leave the rest of it for Þorrablót.
CÎROC - an even greater waste of time. They call it "distilled grape spirit", and really all it is (again) is a fucking vodka except this time made from grapes instead of potatoes because ooh look at me aren't I posh I can make vodka from fucking grapes. It's apparently marketed to the "urban crowd" in the US, because I guess Cristal and Courvoisier are so 1998. I should have figured it out from the blurple bottle.
I'd recommend Ciroc as a Kwanzaa present for that black guy at the office who you're not really friends with but you tell everyone he's your black friend but really you're tired of talking to him about Tiger Woods and shit and would like to give him a present that'll just drive him away thinking you're just another dumb cracker without it getting you in trouble with fucking HR.
Captain Morgan spiced black rum: over 40% alcohol, that's nice of them, they're saving me time. And a pirate's on the label, which inspires me to go to the rich part of town with a sword and start robbing & stabbing people. Which is a good thing to do to me when I'm drunk and there are swords nearby.
It's got that "lots of goop thrown in on top of alcohol" flavour that you get from other crud like Jagermeister, like licorice root and all that shit, which I guess also makes it healthy for you, except obviously the pirate connection makes it cooler than that goff Jager nonsense.
Speaking of which, if all you goldbug libertarians are all "ooh, anarchy" and "we love gold and silver" and "fuck the globalist kleptocracy", then why aren't you being pirates right now? I mean, aren't pirates the goldbug libertarian ideal? Hm? What's a matter, are all you goldbugs too pussy to get some guns together and start robbing the rich?
Oh wait... you don't even have guns, do you?
Well, if you have guns and you like gold and silver, why aren't you being a pirate? Oh, you're too scared of the Amerikkkan police state's judicial apparatus? That's rather spineless, isn't it?
Or actually, you might have maybe become a pirate before, when that Barrack HUSSEIN Taxbongo was around with his evil gay muslim socialism. But now? Now, Trump's in power with a Republican house and senate, and all of a sudden you're little miss fucking conformist again, right?