Wednesday, March 30, 2016

VAGINA BEER - combining those two things usually ends in regret, uncomfortable genitals, and sometimes legal complications - vagina beer and yup I bet you've already clicked through haven't you.

Presenting Bottled Instinct. It’s beer. But made using vaginal bacteria.

Um... I fail to recognize the allure of beer made with vaginal bacteria.

Not just any vaginal bacteria, mind you. Lactic acid bacteria from the vagina of Czech model Alexandra Brendlova. Of course.

(Googles) (Comes back) Yup, still not really recognizing the allure of beer made with this particular Czech model's vaginal bacteria.

Created by vagina-themed start-up-

Oh god please, world of craft beer, let's jump even more sharks with this one.

-The Order of Yoni, Bottled Instinct is a beer that promises to capture the essence of femininity.

I thought that was Corona.

Its makers create it by taking bacteria from the vagina using a ‘gynaelogical stick’.

"Hey. Beavis. Heh-heh. I've got a 'gynaecological stick'. Heh heh. Where's my beer. Heh heh. Heh-heh-heh."

This stick then goes to a laboratory,

Oh I bet it does

where the lactic acid bacteria are ‘isolated and cleaned’ then multiplied.

That bacteria is then used in a culture starter kit, and is combined with water, malt, hops, wooden chips, and yeast to create the beer.

The Order of Yoni says the beer has ‘no vaginal smell or taste’, but it has been ‘flavoured with instincts’ and brewed with model Alexandra’s ‘lure’ and ‘grace’.

By a sweaty 57-year-old brewmaster named Vsevolod who suffers from an interesting skin lump disorder.

Why can't the Polish just do what they've done for the past 500 years and brew another shitty Pilsener that they stole from Germany?

Anyway, that's your news for today. I'd happily write this stuff for a professional website if they'd just fucking get back to me.

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