Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Question about Batman The Dark Knight Rises: WHAT THE FUCK?

Okay, this has been bugging me.

I've been getting older. There's no Alzheimer's in my family whatsoever, but my dad had an old age Parkinsonism or pseudo-Parkinsonism caused by old age diabetes. And I did do a lot of drugs in my youth.

So imagine my concern when I watched Batman: The Dark Knight Rises a couple days ago, and found myself utterly fucking unable to follow the movie.

I mean I'm being honest here.

I had to remind myself that I was only drinking diet Dr. Pepper, no booze. I had enough sleep that day. I've been eating healthy. So why is it I couldn't even follow the fucking plot, or even figure out if there was one?

There were characters suddenly appearing and disappearing, and I had no clue who they were.

Other characters were instantly disappearing from one place and then reappearing somewhere else.

The motivations of all the characters were utterly indecipherable to me.

OK, I found the Roger Ebert review, and this makes me feel better:
All of these characters and their activities produce stretches in the first half of the film during which, frankly, I was not entirely sure who was doing what and with which and to whom. The movie settles in for its sensational second half, however, although not everybody will be able to precisely explain the deep stone well where Bane imprisons Bruce Wayne.
Yeah, I mean it's nice and all for the blatantly homosexual bad guy to dump Batman in a deep well that only one person ever got out of, specifically to taunt him with his helplessness as Gotham is destroyed, but...

The fuck, why? Why bother? Is your little Shadows club really so fucking important that you can't just kill the people who piss you off?

I mean come on, gay gimp-mask dude! You had to tunnel under the city for months on end, attack a stock exchange, blow up every bridge and tunnel out of town, blow up a stadium, steal some sort of Bruce Wayne infinite power device, turn that into a neutron bomb, stick it in some gay futuristic car that never stops driving, steal all of Bruce Wayne's other stuff... for what?

So for this entire clusterfuck of a movie, I was asking myself one of the following questions at every minute:

1. Who the fuck is this person here? Seriously, where did they just come from?
2. Why is this guy doing this? I don't recognize this as any sort of human motivation, either real or fantastical.
3. Wait, why is this thing happening? Why when you have a neutron bomb do you stick it on a truck that's always driving around town?
4. Who am I supposed to root for? Everyone seems evil - vacuously evil, clueless nobodies.

Oh and of course

5. Oh isn't it just a big coinkydink that the muscular gay face-mask evil villain guy decides to go all Occupy Wall Street? I mean, so the rich billionaires and their cop lackeys are all heroes, but every average joe in NYC Gotham is a slavering Maoist who's just waiting for the opportunity to turn his city into some sort of class-war version of a failed state? Really?

Batman: Dark Knight Rises is so insufferably fucking incompetent, stupid and ponderous that I'm going to have to watch Inception again tonight, just to make sure I still can follow a complex story and I'm not going fucking senile.


  1. I'll skip TDK discussion (I agree with bits and pieces, but overall like the movie), and say that I think Inception was terrible. It was complicated for the sake of complicated, nothing else.

    And yes. I followed it. I get it. I just didn't like it.

  2. Is the dark knight rises the one with heath ledger as the joker? I saw that, he was good.

    Inception complicated? Read some Gabriel García Marquez, dude. No movie is complicated

    1. No, this is the one with that Bane guy.

      Watch "Primer" and then tell me about no movie being complicated.

    2. Actually, any early Atom Egoyan movie also counts as complicated.