Saturday, April 26, 2014

movie review: War of the Worlds

OK, so War of the Worlds was on TV last night or a few nights ago, I forget.

Here's the trailer for the movie:

Now it's a Spielberg movie with Tom Cruise, so I would think nobody cares if I give away how the movie ends. After all, you're not going to want to watch it for the plot, because there really isn't one, beyond "aliens attack, there are explosions," and - just because it's fucking Spielberg - "a divorced father struggles to protect his children".

In summary, you're going because you want explosions, and maybe also to watch Tom Cruise rescue his children from the evil Thetan army led by Katie Holmes.

Still, I'm going to spoil the ending for you, so here's a spoiler break.


My big problem with this movie is as follows:

OK, so aliens attack and destroy America in their super-powered tripod devices or something. Now personally, if I were an alien overlord I wouldn't waste resources attacking sparsely-populated countryside, but I guess they just darn hated us so much they wanted to kill as many people as possible.

Fine. That stretches belief, but we don't really know what the aliens want, so I'll go along with it. After all, aliens are always just a foil for society's infantile fear of "the other", and hey if America has such a hard-on for muslims "hating our freedoms" then let's give them the opportunity to work it out peacefully by watching movies about alien invasions, instead of the usual American way, which is to shoot up a Sikh temple.

I was a two-year-old once, so I can understand American psychology and participate in their shared cathartic theatre.

But here's the thing.

Morgan Freeman - who by the way had no part in the movie up til the last five minutes and whose job I guess is to be nothing but a kindly voice who explains the ending to Americans, because American movie viewers are expected to be as stupid as fucking 3-year-olds - says the aliens died because of evil Earth diseases which the aliens had no defenses from.


So how did they hide their tripods underground hundreds of years ago? Did they not notice our horrible Earth diseases back then?

And are you seriously telling me that a spacefaring civilization capable of traversing the galaxy and conquering other planets hasn't run into this problem before? Does no other planet harbour horrible diseases? We're the only planet that evolved single-celled parasitic organisms that excrete toxins?

Every other habitable planet in the universe jumped directly from the creation of the first lipid membranes straight to bunnies?

And are you seriously telling me that a spacefaring civilization capable of traversing the galaxy and conquering other planets is going to do so without a proper occupational health and safety program? I mean, when these aliens come down to our planet and start getting sick, does not even one of them bother to tell their supervisor?

What are they, Libertarian Objectivists? "God, this alien disease has really given me a bad case of the shits, but I better shut up or my boss will fire me on the spot and I'll be stranded here, 3,000 light-years from my home on Zorblaxx'x, with no medical coverage"?

And by the way - why did they wait til 2005 to attack the Earth, if they had hidden their tripods underground hundreds or even thousands of years ago? Wouldn't it have been easier to, say, conquer us 500 years earlier, doing battle against lesser foes like the Iroquois Confederacy and the Kingdom of Venice? I mean, there were a lot fewer stinky humans to kill back then, and they hadn't yet even invented gunpowder.

So, basically, this movie is like a giant plot hole filled with explosions. 

If you want to watch explosions, fine, watch this movie. Things explode, and people too. But don't expect it to be believable or have a plot or anything. Frankly, I think Cloverfield is a much better movie, since at least in that movie all the asshole lead characters get killed horribly.

1 comment:

  1. Morgan has made several movies where he makes the credits for what would seem like less than a days work. Oblivion jumps to mind. Maybe he just does this when he has to work with Cruise? Or maybe because he has made a career out of his voice he can?