Saturday, December 21, 2013

Mila Kunis beats all hedge funds in 2013: let's dive into the details

While I've temporarily got Wall Street paying attention to my blog, there's something I need to get off my chest:

Bloomberg - Mila Kunis annihilates hedge funds' 2013 performance.

If you don't remember, the story back in March was that Mila Kunis decided to take her enormous pile of wealth - gained not just from her transcendent beauty and heart-warming charm but also her fantastic acting and skill at World of Warcraft - and get it the hell out of CDs where it wasn't earning a goddamn penny. She said she was putting money into stocks.

And by the way, Mila Kunis is precisely this beautiful:

So, anyway, she was made the target of merciless mocking for her desire to get out of CDs and into some sort of proper investment for a young person.

And among her detractors was... who? A bunch of idiot clown bloggers and internet blowhards, of course. Chris Adams, Janet Paskin, Ben Hale, Mark Lichtenfeld, Daniel Gross, and of course Zerohedge and maybe a few dozen sheep at Reeking Alpha.

And yes, even Barry Ritholtz:

Barry Ritholtz, director of equity research at Fusion IQ, tweeted that he was glad she was sticking with her movie career.

"If she was giving up acting to become a daytrader, we'd have great contrary indicator!"

But since then, how has she done? Since March 15 when she gave her interview, the S&P is up 17%. QQQ is up 26%. IWM and $SOX are each up 21%. I'd have to think that her performance should be somewhere between those numbers. Let's say she's made an even 20%.

While everyone was laughing at the silly girl. Ha ha, silly girl, iz teh dumz, shut up Meg, and so on.

Tudor Investment Corp., the $13.4 billion macro hedge-fund firm run by Jones, climbed 3.7 percent in November in its Tudor BVI Global, bringing gains to 12 percent in 2013, a person familiar with the matter said.
That's not your average hedge fund clown, either. That's Paul Tudor Fucking Jones. Mila Kunis wiped the fucking floor with Paul Tudor Jones.

That's supposed to be as unlikely as me clobbering Vitaly Klitschko til he cries like a baby girl and pees himself.

But it is what it is, eh? She whipped Paul Tudor Jones' ass, and made him cry wike a widdle baby, boo hoo, while she's smacking him with his own hand, "why you hitting yourself, Paul Tudor Jones? Stop hitting yourself, Paul Tudor Jones!", and eventually he poos his pants and has to get sent home to mommy.

But it doesn't stop there:
Pershing Square Capital Management LP, the $12.1 billion activist hedge-fund firm run by Bill Ackman, posted a 1.2 percent net gain in its main strategy in November, according to a performance update obtained by Bloomberg News. Pershing Square International’s monthly return brings its year-to-date advance to 9.4 percent. The fund has $5.1 billion in assets.
That's not your average hedge fund clown either. But he, also, had his ass handed to him by Mila Kunis.

Hey Billy boy, here's what Mila Kunis looks like when she's laughing at you:

So cute! Almost takes away some of the sting of being beaten by a girl, eh? A girl who's not even a hedge fund manager, even.

I bet she even owned some Herbalife.

Let's look at some more comparisons with the Kunis Benchmark, shall we?
Bridgewater Associates LP, the $150 billion firm run by Ray Dalio and based in Westport, Connecticut, posted a 0.1 percent gain in its $16 billion Pure Alpha I fund, bringing this year’s return to 4.1 percent, according to a person briefed on the results. Pure Alpha II, with $64 billion, increased 0.1 percent in November and 6.1 percent in 2013.
Translation: Ray Dalio has also had his ass handed to him by Mila Kunis.

Whose stunning godlike radiance, by the way, unsurpassed through the ages, humbles even the immortal sun in photographs such as this:

Let's see if there's even more embarrassment of hedge fund clowns!
Jeff Vinik, the former Fidelity Investments stock picker turned hedge-fund manager, told clients in May that he was returning their capital after performance at his Vinik Asset Management LP slumped since July 2012.
What a clown. This guy can't even stay in business in a bull market! Jesus fuck, dude! You suck!

as industry assets quadrupled and the number of hedge funds almost doubled, managers have mostly trailed the S&P 500.
Holy shit! "Mostly"? That means "hedge fund managers have mostly trailed Mila Kunis"!

Trailing Mila Kunis, by the way, might look something like this:

It gets worse. And by "worse", I mean you arrogant Wall Street fatties all fucking suck and should just fucking kill yourselves right now:
Hedge funds, which stand to earn about $50 billion in management fees this year based on industrywide assets, are underperforming the benchmark U.S. index for the fifth year in a row
What? People are paying hedge fund morons fifty billion dollars to get outperformed by Mila Kunis?

Every one of you clowns out there who went "herr derr Mila Kunis top sell sell" should feel fucking humiliated. You should publicly shame yourselves in blag posts and twerts and whatever the fuck else, for the rest of the year, proclaiming Mila Kunis as your new god, and admitting your own worthlessness in the face of the transcendent beauty and infinite investing wisdom that is Mila Kunis.

I now end this post with another pic of Mila Kunis laughing at Wall Street:

You are all bad, and you should feel bad.

My resolution for 2014: no more reading investment advice from anyone who isn't Mila Kunis.

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